The Lodge at the District Improv Festival

The District Improv Company, in alliance with Washington Improv Theater, is proud to host the first annual District Improv Festival! The festival will showcase more than 32 longform improv troupes from across North America, including a strong representation of DC-based acts.

The Festival will also feature an exciting array of workshops taught by experienced instructors from participating troupes. Legendary improviser Armando Diaz (founder of Magnet Theater in New York City) will teach two special workshops on Saturday and Sunday.

Tickets: http://bit.ly/DIFesttix
Workshops: http://bit.ly/1dLqE9d
T-shirts/posters: http://bit.ly/DIFswag
Schedule: http://bit.ly/1dLqCy6

The festival officially begins on Wednesday, Sept. 25 and runs through Sunday, Sept. 29. The day before the festival, Tuesday Sept. 24, is the free District Improv Invitational, featuring five local troupes and lead into Washington Improv Theater’s Harold Night.

 Thursday, 9/26 
10pm: The Lodge, Evan the Loyal, & Commonwealth

Book of Mark: How the Lodge Hacked into the Akashic Field and Tainted the Collective Unconscious

Book of Mark:  How the Lodge Hacked into the Akashic Field and Tainted the Collective Unconscious

laalchemist

Have you ever wondered how it is possible for somebody else to say the exact same thing that you were just about to say?  Or ever experienced déjà vu while remembering a dream where you were making an all important presentation at work in the nude? Or ever wondered why, just before asnow storm, your local grocery store always sells out of everything white(paper towelsmilktoilet paper)?  That would be us.

You see, back in 1529, the Ottomans were becoming too big for their own britches.  Emboldened by their acquisition of Constantinople which we facilitated; see previous Blodge entry, they started to ruthlessly plow their way into the soft nether region of Europe into the fertile pleasure garden that is Vienna, our newly adopted Summer retreat destination.

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Not since our spin off organization, the Knights Templar, did we ever engage directly with a military prosecution of an adversary.  After all, those guys are nowadays shoveling the pooh of inbred unicorn, see corresponding Blodge entry, so obviously their approach is flawed.  We were looking for an approach that, well, required less effort, to be frank.  Pursuing someway to get into their heads and just casually talk them out of fucking with our picturesque vacation spot.

See, our Atlantean founders fled our sinking, ancestral home carrying with them the knowledge of the Akashic.  Essentially the submerged, previously above ground, University of Atlantis is the Akashic Field which is the grand repository of all and all potential human knowledge. It continues on to this day, as some of our ilk chose to separate themselves from the affairs of humanity by living beneath the torrid Atlantic while those of us remaining on land chose to rule humanity by having torrid affairs.  It’s all a matter of choice really.  Though we have not been on speaking terms since we abandoned them to sink below the waves.

Moving on, when all people dream they gain access to the Akashic Field.  But, much like your library card, just because you have the means to go, doesn’t always mean you do.  Many times, people frequent the Akashic Records in their sleep and never realize it.  They just know that they awoke with a fresh perspective and a new insight.  They probably credit it to their unconscious mind solving their dilemma du jour.  This is only partly true.  Our unconscious mind is plugged directly into the collective unconscious; the essence of the Akashic.  When you regain banalconsciousness, you can bring back with you a kernel of data from the greater database.  The notion of being submerged or underwater that some notice while dreaming, not to mention weightlessness, is due to your astral form being transported beneath the waves into the domed Akashic Plane within Atlantis.

Yenieri-aturkishjanissary-gentilebelliniHowever, our knowledge of these facts, back in the 16th century, did us no immediate good in halting the advance of the Janissaries; the Ottoman infantry.  Though our knowledge of this would prove invaluable as we sought to hack into the Akashic to taint the collective will of Suleiman the Magnificent’s army.  We put our greatest alchemical minds to the task.  Through isolating the coordinates of the Akashic Field with an astrolabe, we were able to tune into the Akashic frequency bypinging its domain with a golden antenna; we transmuted from Russian blood sausage, while inhaling vaporized DMT to reprogram the permission protocols of our conscious thought to allow us to not only read but rewrite and execute commands on the Akashic Webserver.  It was, for the Lodge, but again another stunning, unrivaled success.  Not only did we Jedi mind trick them into eating up all of their own food and making the clouds spit rain on their heads, we, also, blocked them from nocturnally logging on to the Akashic Second Life, so no one was able to sleep soundly.  The blurry eyed Ottoman forces failed in their attempted seizure of Vienna and we covertly and omnipotently carried the day.

On many occasions to this very same day, we amuse ourselves by making different people do strange an inexplicable things simultaneously and, of course, it is fun to befuddle people by turning their seemingly innocuous dreams into scandalous affairs by reconfiguring them into forgetting to wear their pants.

~Brother Mark

Book of Mark: The Lodge’s Role in the Fall of Constantinople

Book of Mark:  The Lodge’s Role in the Fall of Constantinople

Constantinople

Many believe that Constantinople was just named after Constantine I, Lodgenius Caesar from 307 t0 337 AD, not completely true.  Endowed with the rare distinction of being conceived during the Sacrifice of the Ibex Impregnation Ritual (unlike my conception, in Ancient times, this was celebrated in May and wasn’t observed every 100 years, exactly), Constantine was named as the Lodgenius heir so that he may be raised to set a newconstant in the realm of world affairs and thus Constantinople was the capitol of this new constant.  It’s just a coincidence that his dad’s name happened to be Constantius Chlorus, no relationship whatsoever.

With the founding of Constantinople in 330 AD, the Age of Antiquityended, as we hath willed, and the Age of Middlinity (or the Middle Ages, as you would say) began, as we hath willed as well.  The founding of Constantinople heralded the split with the Western Roman Empire and we were totally cool with the city of Rome being sacked by the Goths and the Gauls and the Visigoths and, of course, the Visigauls.  The ancient Lodge needed a city to hold our meetingsstrategy sessions and kitchen cabinet committees in and you can’t very well do that with barbarians trashing your executive washroom all the time, now can you.  They needed a place to destroy and we needed a place to write mission statements, it was the perfect marriage, for a time.  It was our constant home for over 1000 years or so.

However, things didn’t work out quite the way we had planned.  You see, the Middle Ages was supposed to be a Hell of a lot cooler than what it actually was.  Frankly, with the degeneration, inhuman behavior, lack of bathing and overall Lodgelessness, it was just an utter cluster fuck in Lodge forecasting; our “B”.  While we were isolated in Constantinople constantly planning the world’s future, the rest of Europe went to the dogs.

In our project management of world affairs the middle phase of our quality control flowchart was deemed by many then Lodge members as the phase of evil (middle phase + phase of evil = Medieval).  Since it was the area shaded in the darkest on the project outline, it has been referred to as the Dark Ages, also.

Inkvisisjonen

We became so distracted with the rest of Europe, that the whole Byzantine Empire went to pot, likewise.  Needless to say, letting Rome get sacked by the Visigauls and all of them wasn’t such a good idea after all.  We had to get out of Constantinople, back to Italy and establish a rebirth in learning and culture, hence Project Renaissance.

Resultingly, we planned to dissolve Byzantium and get our collective asses out of Dodge; an area of LodgeDecline. As part of our take over negotiations with the Mehmed II, then Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, we would leave them to amicably conquer Constantinople on May 29, 1453, as long as they changed the name from the misnamed constant to one defining it’s ultimate instability, hence Istanbul.  Though, against Lodge wishes, the rest of the World didn’t acknowledge the name of Istanbul until after 1930.

VitruvianWe then settled in Florence, for a time, and disseminated the knowledge of booksart and soap to the literally unwashed masses.  We finally implemented the Renaissance phase on our world project outline and it was a remarkable success so long as you can overlook that whole Bubonic plague thing.

~Brother Mark

Book of Mark: Why the Lodge Assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand

Book of Mark:  Why the Lodge Assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand

The Industrial Revolution gave people the means to have a world war and human beings, being what they are, would eventually do so.  When our predecessors faked the Archduke Ferdinand’s assassination; it was totally the Archduke’s idea by the way, we had no idea how out of hand the shit was going to get.

archdukeferdinand

You see, back then; and to this day, we would play Baccarat; Chemin de Fur, of course, Punto Banco is for light weights, and the result of the game dictates world affairs.  On June 26, 1914, a night not unlike any other night in Reichstad, the game was played.  The Archduke Ferdinand or ‘the Ferdoro,’ as we in the Lodge called him, was on a roll that night and when he retired as the banker for the evening, no other player had the equal to the Ferdoro’s bank.  Indisputably the night’s winner, Archie, another nickname, decided to play a hilarious practical joke, fake his own assassination two days later, go into hiding in the beautiful setting of San Carlos de BarilocheArgentina for 3 months and then let the world in on the big joke.  By the time his yacht anchored in Buenos Aires, it was clear that it was too late to expose the ruse, World War I was in full swing.

It was just meant to be a little bit of fun.  You think people could’ve just mulled things over for awhile before making any rash decisions but no.  The Serbian ‘Black Hand’ took credit for it.  So the Austrians declared war on Serbia then the Tsar declared war on Austria, the Kaiser declared war on Russia and then France declared war on Germany, though they had already been attacking Germany, cause you just never know.  By the time Britain and the Ottoman Empire jumped in, the idea had lost it’s novelty but, more to the point, it was obvious there was no turning back.

The Ferdoro took it really badly.  He swore never to reveal himself to the world again and took to riding on a bus that crisscrossed America, the Johnnie come lately of his accidental war.  He was a passenger of almost 2o years, when Fatty Arbuckle got on board in 1933, and over 40 years when James Dean joined up on “the Bus” in 1955, Buddy Holly was another 4 years later; 1959.

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The A-Ferd is gone now, but again another nickname, and his seat is presently occupied by 2 PacBiggie’s on the other end of the bus, where Arbuckle used to sit, his ass fits the mold perfectly.  The bus travels on, to this day, and is a marvel in Lodge engineering, or Lodgengineering, and modern manufacturing is only just now being able to rival it’s design.  A design originally drafted by the Archduke himself.

~Brother Mark

Part Five: Unicorns, More than Just the Sketches Found in Some Notebook of a Girl in the 7th Grade

Part Five:  Unicorns, More than Just the Sketches Found in Some Notebook of a Girl in the 7th Grade

“Pre”-historic Times or Everything You’ve Been Taught is a Lie

a continuing blog by Brother Mark

unicorn ass

The unicorn, or solo-maize, is in the minds of the unwashed masses a figment of the imagination of little girls who probably waste too much of their life viewing their collection of a buhzillion or so Disney DVDs.  Not necessarily true.  Yes those kids probably should get out of the house and into the sunlight once and awhile but, more to the point, unicorns are real.

unicornkey

The reason why unicorns are kept from the public eye is because, well, they really ain’t much to look at.  Fact is, they’re just downright ugly.  The beast is so hyped for its grace, beauty & mystical qualities that any actual representation of such an image would have to be a let down.  This is no exception but, even with realistic expectations in mind, nothing can really prepare one for seeing a real live unicorn for the first time.

Millenniums of isolation and inbred depression have recessed the genes of these once gorgeous creatures of mythic lore into something that really needs to be quarantined for the good of humanity.  Currently, in secret locations all over the globe, these foul beasts are exhaustingly cared for, 24/7 year round, by the Knights Templar.  This is a very arduous task as these hideous hoofers have many health disorders.  Chronic incontinence being the most common. Which is why you don’t hear of the Knights Templar as much anymore because they aren’t too proud of the work they have to do.  It’s just plain nasty.

unicamel
There really isn’t any major conspiracy here but this is one of our privileged Lodge pieces of information that we are the care takers of.  Speaking from experience, being in a secret society isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.  Some of the secrets we keep are just so insipid and utterly trivial that we wonder why we should even bother and then we remember that we’re the reason why all the plural and singular forms for all horned woodland animals are the same (deer, elk, moose, ibex et cetera) and then everything is right with the world again.

~Brother Mark

Part Four: The Elohim-Beelzebubbian Feud

Part Four:  The Elohim-Beelzebubbian Feud

“Pre”-historic Times or Everything You’ve Been Taught is a Lie

a continuing blog by Brother Mark

The Elohim and the Beelzebubbians were not always arch rivals, see previous Blodge entries.  In fact one time they were just friends.  But like all friendships people grow, people change and, sometimes, your best friend back in high school, named Reggie, steals your girlfriend, named Katinka, even after you told him how much you love her and you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with her, and he decimates your friendship permanently.  Reggie, if you’re reading this, I hope you break out in painful festering boils all over.  And, Katinka, if you’re reading this, I miss you and I know that in spite of the fact that we haven’t seen each other in over 15 years, since you moved out of town, changed your named and entered the Witness Protection Program, I think we can still make this work.  Call me.  Please.

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Anyways, the game of Badminton is an ancient game.  Fact is, it was the Elohim who first taught us how to play.  The Beelzebubbians and the Elohim used to get together every other light year on Plan 8 from Outer Space, or, as we call it, Earth, for some fun in the sun, picnicking and Badminton.  It’s just back in the day they played the passing the time style of Badminton where you just casually whack the birdie back and forth for the fun of it without keeping track of whoever misses the last bingbangboom.  But then one day LuciferC-12, of the Beelzebubbians, proposed that they keep score and make a “sport” out of it, “sport” also meaning a Beelzebubbian slang term for hooking up with your best friend’s girlfriend, ring any bells, Reggie?

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Instead of deciding that everyone wins when you play recreational sports, the competition became very heated.  The match wasn’t even close.  No one recollects the exact score but SidhartaGuatamaD-20, of the Elohim, destroyed SatanB-52, of the Beelzes.  It was decided that whoever won the match would choose which would be the dominate species of earth.  We became the masters of the planet and fresh water trout became a delightful dish served with tartar sauce and a lemon wedge.

~Brother Mark

ps.

But seriously, Katinka, call me.  I swear I don’t obsess over you as much as I used to any more.

pps.

I mean like really at all.

Part Three: Placenta, Part of this Nutritious Breakfast

Part Three:

Placenta,

Part of this Nutritious Breakfast

“Pre”-historic Times or Everything You’ve Been Taught is a Lie

a continuing blog by Brother Mark

Strawberry_on_pancakeLooking for a dish that’s delicious and nutritious?  Then look no further than the Placenta.  But Tom Cruise was joking about that, wasn’t he?  It is true that Mr. Cruise stated that he was not going to eat the Placenta and that his previous statement was a joke and my mind tells me that he speaks the truth but, in my heart of hearts, I know he ate the Placenta.

Androidin_MariaScientology is at the forefront of Beelzebubbian eradication.  Through competing with the Elohim (see previous Blodge entries), the Beelzebubbians have engineered a method where they can shrink their infantry, or Demonites, down to nano size (even atomic microscopic structure, if required).  This advent has allowed them, for countless millenniums, to colonize the epidermis of all humans.  Unless you’re a Scientologist, Lodgenaire or a Postcyberpunk Feminist Cyborg, Demonites are inhabiting your skin and telepathically telling you what to think.

Raygun.svgIn addition to finding nutritious and delicious culinary applications for the placenta, the Scientologists are blazing a trail in the detoxification of the human skin caused by Demonite activity.  In order to do this you must use an E-meter, or the Lodge’s Horn-of-Pan supersonic nebulizer, the handy Scientologist tool for detecting, as well as removing, Demonites.

~Brother Mark

Part Two: The Raelians Are for Rael

Part Two:  The Raelians Are for Rael

“Pre”-historic Times or Everything You’ve Been Taught is a Lie

a continuing blog by Brother Mark

A weird figurine left on someone's desk of a crucified, green alien.

The Raëlians are ushering us into a new age of understanding but, no, the Lodge is not affiliated directly with the Raëlian Movement.  The Raëlians are like the bearers of the first flame while the Lodge is like a Texas barbeque grilling up some brisket; been there done that. The resistance to Raëlian enlightenment is due, in large part, to the subliminal influence of the evil aliens or the Beelzebubbians.  The Beelzebubbians are the arch nemeses of the Elohim, the collective of good aliens.

DNA_UFO_Raelian

Some 25,000 years ago, the Elohim first arrived on planet Earth.  After terraforming it, they then manipulated DNA to genetically engineer all of the world’s life.  This was first explained to Raël, formerly Claude Vorilhon, in December of ’73 by the space man known as Yahweh.  He explained that he and other Elohim, such as Zeus,IndraThorJohn the Baptist and George Burns, frequented Earth but all originated from a galaxy far, far away.  Furthermore all of the Elohim will return once all the world is at peace, embraces Raëlism and has built an intergalactic embassy with a proper rec room equipped with air hockey, foosball and whac-a-mole.

Santelia01

The Beelzebubbians, the aliens who also, in nano form, live on and in our skin (see previous Blodge entry), will stop at nothing to prevent this from happening.  However, their many millennium old feud has never resulted in any blood spill.  It is, in fact, less like a war between nations and more like a heated college rivalry.  The Beelzebubbians regard the sabotaging of our intellectual evolution in much the same way that an Ohio State junior regards pissing into the Michigan Wolverine’s Gatorade cooler.  Yes, it’s not fair but it displays a level of commitment, though reproachable, that proves they’ll stop at nothing to see us lose.  You can’t fault them for lack of spirit.

~Brother Mark

Part One: The Initiation

Part One:  The Initiation

“Pre”-historic Times or Everything You’ve Been Taught is a Lie

a continuing blog by Brother Mark

Ancient AstronautsSo you think the Raëlians are crazy, eh?  An insane cult that thinks that Buddha, Jesus and Plato were space men.  Ezekiel’s wheel was a flying saucer. The burning bush as a holographic projection of God, “Help me, Moses-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”  Yeah, they’re crazy.  Crazy like a fox, or a den of foxes; whatever.  Fact is, they know the truth and it is only your perception that has been warped to scorn the enlightened.  Welcome to the initiation.

Due to the breed of aliens that live on and in your skin, Scientology has studied this phenomenon extensively, every time you have a reaction to hearing or reading the truth and your mind says, “that’s ridiculous,” that’s just those aliens talking.  You see, the notion that you believe your cultivated reason is discriminating fact from fiction is exactly what you’ve been programed to think.  More to the point, your entire formal education and pursuit of side interests is the compulsory mis-data that you’ve accumulated as the continuing ends from a means of deception.  You wrongfully believe that your unique understanding, unique like your individual finger-print that the skin aliens also carved, is the fruit of your supposed free will.  Oh, how wrong you are.

plato

In this continuing series of articles inducting new Lodge initiates into the truth, you will learn more about the Raëlians, Scientologists, Knights Templar, the Aliens; the good ones and the bad, unicorns and, of course, the Lodge.  I will enlighten you to the ways you’ve been deceived and how you, too, can see the light.

In the meantime, you may wish to purge your skin using an E-meter, the instrument the Scientologists use to deport their skin aliens.  Though we at the Lodge prefer a more sensible instrument such as our Horn-of-Pan, supersonic nebulizer.

~Brother Mark

The Blodge

Welcome Willing Student,

You are being initiated not just into a secret society but into an elite academy of the knowing. We will impart wisdom to you so we can all improve the world until we are enlightening the public to the meaning of life. Which is 100% true, if you replace, “impart wisdom to” with “bum money from”, “improve the world” to “drink ourselves stupid”, “enlightening the” with “jailed for”, and “to the meaning of life” with “displays of lewd behavior”. A solemn oath each Lodge member lives by.

P.S. The passphrase is, “New World Hors d’oeuvre.”